brown eyed fox

a new day... a new page...

capturing, feelingcarissa fox24 Comments

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a big mac truck swooshed by & knocked me down right before the weekend...
the kind that tows fever... chills... watermelon head...
loads of the NOT so good stuff!
it takes A LOT to knock me on my feet... but this has been a doozy!


two little angels brought me breakfast in bed yesterday...
my fave blackberries and all!
my ABSOLUTE favorite thing... the HANDMADE cards! 
well...
and SEEING their little proud faces as they watch you open their creations! 
  
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and look at them... they make me beam from ear to ear!
   

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can i be honest...
well... i HAVE to be... that's just who i am...
you might want to leave now if you don't want to hear a little ugly! 
yesterday STARTED out GREAT!


i am BEYOND blessed...
GOD has shown HIS grace like i never thought possible! 
i am... my family... we are all TRULY blessed! 
HIS grace is oh so mighty!
and as many of us know WITH the mighty... there WILL be rain!  
well... i am feeling the rain on my face... i am being tested... pushed!


i am NOT feeling like a very good mama... daughter... wife or friend!
i am feeling bitter & not so nice!


i could try and come up with reasons WHY...
the stress of the move...
hubby being gone every week all week...
having to have our home show ready constantly...
being solely responsible for all the daily ins & outs...
feeling awful... like i need to crawl back in bed to rest...   
i could go on & on...
but the fact of the matter is... i am feeling SHAME!


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i should be reveling in all the little joys... i DO... i REALLY do...
i feel though lately like a snapping turtle...
a constant command enforcer!
like one of those fictional teacher characters...
with a long ruler in her hand... a tight bun & a mean grimace!


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FINDING the balance in being GOOD mom!
the GIFT...
opening the present the RIGHT way!


what if i am not good enough...
what if they don't like me because i say NO... 
how do i make up for yelling at them...
i didn't do enough with them today...


i WANT to embrace my gift of "mom"
and be the best mom i can be ALWAYS!  


being SO thankful for my gifts...
as i sit here typing this i can barely SEE through my tears...
knowing those who have lost a child...
the UNIMAGINABLE!  words just can not describe!
i am SO sorry for your loss... may GOD cover you in HIS grace!  


MY GIRLS are the most BEAUTIFUL form of love! 
they are flesh & bone... gifts from GOD!


i think sometimes it is the OVERWHELMING realization of it all...
the wanting to gather it all up & place ALL the parts & pieces in a bottle...
so i don't lose any one piece...
does that make ANY sense AT ALL?
if there is anyone still reading?


you feel like if you slip...
drop one of those pieces...
(yell, make a bad choice, are not exactly mother of the year)
you're not WHOLE...
you can't possible make up for it...
it's like a cycle of "am i doing the right thing"...
"what i am supposed to be doing"?
where IS that book... that manual... that clearly shows us the way?


i am starting to think that we ARE writing that book...
we... as moms... each & every day!


that we learn from each other's books!


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i KNOW... being human... i WILL continue to make mistakes...
oh i sure don't like them... and try not to make them...
but i am also CONFIDENT that with them there is GROWTH!
another page written in that manual...
that book...


so even though yesterday was not exactly what i had planned...
because i felt like crap & ACTED like it too...
i WILL make up for it!


i am going to turn that page...
LEARN from what i wrote...
make the most & be the most i can be TODAY!


there is ALWAYS room...
to scooch out the ugly & make good!


so instead of worrying about dropping a piece...
there are hugs to given... lunches to be made... pictures to be colored...
MANY more treasured parts & pieces to add to that bottle!     
i am gonna pop that cork & add some goodness!